User blog:Jdg98/5.12 - "Souls of the Departed" Review
Okay people, it's been a riot, it really has, but here we are. One hundred Ninety-nine episodes are now far behind us, and the 101st 100th episode has just graced our screens. Like the majority of my prior reviews, I am writing from the past. Right now, about four guest stars have been announced and it's heavily ambiguous as to whether or not Emilie de Ravin will be making an appearance (lol if she didn't… except not). Haven't even done my 5.11 review yet, which by now you all will have read. But I'd like to put all that aside and kick off this review in some style. While the placing of the 100th episode is questionable, the fact that "Souls of the Departed" is our 100th episode article is not, and that means that there are 99 others each with their own carefully (sometimes) selected "main pic". To celebrate our most prominent show's milestone, I shall proceed to display each of them beneath this introductory paragraph, each with their own expectedly jokey and respective line(s) of dialogue. So, before I actually review this episode, I'll use our wiki's selection to give you all – THE HISTORY OF OUAT IN 99 PICS: "Man I shoulda slipped her a breath mint first…" "Normally I'd have Graham down on his knees for me like this." Was gonna make another breath mint joke, but the pic changed. So hai. "This enchanted dildo really hits the spot." "Am I having a centric because I'm main or am I main because I have an early centric?" "Idk, dude. Naht even lookin' atchu." "Why does your hand taste like sheep butt?" "Can you plz move the fuck out the way? This tray ain't exactly heavy but I gave a bunch of handjobs earlier." "Tell me, Bae… am I a pretty Dark One." "What are we looking at?" "Our first and last appearance." "This thing just crapped down my glove…" "I can feel your moist breath in my ear… Don't stop." "Belle, will you ma—" "Babe, I'm Cinderella. We stole this pic, rmmbr?" "This is rape culture, I'll have you know!" "Are you about to probe me?" "If I were properly credited, I wouldn't have to take this crap." "But first, lemme take a selfie!" "That doesn't make sense with this new pic…" "Yeah, well, summit with BDSM then." "Big house. So are you overcompensating for something or…?" "Nope." "Hi, I'm Jennifer, wanna date?" "It's always been you, daddy." "You can spin straw into gold yet we still live in this shithole. Dad of the fuckin' year." *Sarcastic handshake* "Oh, and you're not a pretty Dark One." "Do I still have to lie to you when you bend over?" "Take it… it's one of your five-a-day." "You're always looking out for me, mom." "No mint… well I guess forehead it is." "Really? That's what you wear to a mob party?" "I don't need you looking out for me anymore, 'mom'!" "The Karmasutra. Read it and get back to me. And bring some lube to our next lesson." "Damn I wish they had fried chicken in our land…" "I really feel like a main character, yanno? I wanna remember this moment." "If only that Karmasutra had entries about necrophilia… Soon, my love." "What do you mean I'm not old enough to drive? I'm clearly 32." "I wish we were the lesbians, Snow." "Mulan who, hunni?" "Thank goodness you returned, I was about to commit a hate crime." "Really? I can have all this glitter, no foolin'?" "As much as you want, champ!" "You can't hurt me! I'm a main character!" "BAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA XD XD XD You know what? You're funny. You're a funny guy. I'mma let you live, Mr. Funny Man." "Lol, I was nearly absent from the 100th." "Oh no, the fuzz!" "You have really nice boobs, Jack." "You're being modest. I mean look at yours!" "The only thing faker than this baby prop is my love for you!" "Why does your hand taste like my butt?" "I thought my contract was for the one episode, but says here I gotta return next year for some contrived secret sister arc?..." "Ain't it weird that we were both in Lost?" "Yas, give me noodle for magics." "This pool cue, your ass, party?" "Literally dying of boredom here." "If I jumped right now I could prevent a lot of shippers from scratching each others' eyes out in the future…" "What are you shielding me from, mom?" "No child deserves to witness this finale." "Key to my heart. Don't lose it?" "Dat's how we roll in duh forest, hoe!" "This enchanted dildo really, really hits the spot!" "Just shoot him already so I can wash this shit off my face." "You can't see, but I am rocking such a ponytail right now." "A whole episode called 'Ariel', huh? And Regina called me narcissistic!" "If there's a dick in this box I'm gonna be furious. And aroused." "I wouldn't go there, hun, he's Captain Rapist." "I… am gonna drop this baby." "It would explain a lot in the future." "Meet me back here when my wife falls asleep." "Anyone know what's goin' on rn? Anyone at all? No? Well okay then. Go Rumple?" "How I conceive a baby beyond wearing these leather pants, I'll never know." This is like the fourth big group shot in a row. It's a very communal time for the series. "Are you here to rob me?" "I could ask you the same, sista." "But I don't understand, Gold… how did Kalinda think that this would be good?" "I'm dying here, Emma..." "Yeah, me too; your acting is killing me." "I got the blindfold, Rumple. Just like in that Karmasutra you gave me. Now what?" "Time to play 50 Shades of Green, dearie." "I'mma carve out your voice box!" "Been there, done that." "Damn contract made me return but they didn't even air this shot." "Henry's missing? Must be a Sunday…" "You can only join our witch club if you bury yourself neck-deep in soil, dem's the rules!" *I wonder if that devil costume is still in my closet next to the lawnmower…* "Do you ship it yet?" "How about now?" "I can't believe they got the rights to our characters…" "I know, sis. I'm gonna just smile and hope that we eventually go away." "The second coming of Jesus, otherwise known as Neal's conception." "Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells and irrelevants all in a row." "You kept my hand in a jar for over two centuries?" "Go ahead. Taste it." "Look, sweetie, I know what I said…" "It's not what you said, Emma, it's the way you said it! I swear, this is the same thing you did at Granny's last week." "I cannot believe you're bringing that up rn." "Look, if you like it then just put a ring on it, kk?" "Between us we have one ¼ brains and three chins." "Oh hey girls. Does this mean I'm going to be seeing a lot more of you?" "Shhh!" "I'm just saying, it'd be so much easier to just beat her round the head with this thing." "Tell me, Anna… when Arendelle melted, what happened to Olaf?" "He's one with the sea now. He's currently a wet patch in Kristoff's left boot." "Have you bled yet?" "Rumple! Help! I know we use these kind of ropes when you crack out the Karmasutra, but she's not responding to the safety word!" "Bitch if you give me lice…" "You can't really see our faces in this pic." "Do you really want our faces stamped on this episode?" "If you wanna join our witch club then you have to—" "That joke's already been used." "It's ma' dick in a bottle!" "Oh, baby, baby, baby, oh! Like baby, baby, baby, no! Like baby, baby, baby, oh! Gonna snatch you to-night!" "I feel relevant," said Hook. "As do I," Henry replied. "Kill yourselves," Queen Joanna decreed. "Oh God I'm gonna catch mongolism…" "There's something different about you, Lily." "It's called pigment." "Why are you being so rude, Regina?" "Because you're a ginger. And gingers don't get happy endings." "I'm gonna level with you, I'm only pretending to know how to read. I live in the forest, you see, and—" "That's okay. I'm only pretending to know how to act." "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. And get Regina in this damn shot." "I just shit." "The only thing uglier than this frying-pan sized necklace is that weird wrinkle thing in Robin's neck." "Gee, guys, I wish I could help you but… I just don't care." "Blow me like that later baby?" "Yeh hunni you know I just love me some rape culture." "Did you get my sext?" "It says in this scroll that I'm being written off soon…" "Your forehead smells so good, bby." "You stole my centric. Prepare to die." "Aye, this un-enchanted dildo don't look like it'll really hit the spot." "Imma shove this phallic symbol right into ur throat." "That's hot." "Close your eyes…" "But why?" "So I can show you the true meaning of 'rape culture'." Tbh some of these pics may even have changed by the time this review comes out, but to that I say "moo". Aaaaaand on with the review! So, 5x12 wasn't the absolute garbage fire that we all really expected it to be, and I'm glad. I think we're all content with the 100th ep, to a degree, and accept it as special enough to be considered a special. It had some cute moments, and of course drawbacks, but I tried my best to power past any and all inhuman dialogue and enjoy "Souls of the Departed" for what it was – a Regina-centric, lol. The "Previously on Once Upon a Time" began with what a majority of Season 1 episodes began with – that shot of Regina enacting the Dark Curse. For a brief moment, I took this to mean that the show in its entirety would be recapped, but it soon moved onto the bullshit "climax" to the bullshit winter finale, and I'm still wondering why the very first tease of the scriptwriting process stated that there was some sort of epic recap of all 99 eps? Aw well, at least you got mine (see above)! You lucky bishes. Adam and Eddy, meanwhile, are legit trolls. "Adam's my name, Semantics is my game." It's really ugh though that we had to re-hear Emma using her parents' catchphrase. She's been dating this leather trashpile of a man for, what, 4 months? Bitch you're not gonna always find him cos you've never even really had to look yet. Her declaration of undying love shoulda gone more like: "Hook, you seem kinda nice. Stay in touch." And that's ignoring the fact that he once clubbed Belle in the face with a hunk of sharp metal. But I digress. The first shot of the episode was a close-up of Emma's eyes opening, which is an homage to Lost more than it is the series that's meant to be getting celebrated here. But, there was a big ol' eye-opening close-up in the Pilot so I'll let it slide. Also it's nice enough. If I had written the 100th episode I'd have started with a shot of a wall clock reading 8:15 and pan over to young Emma in some orphanage with her arms crossed on a windowsill like Henry looking at the clock, blowing out a birthday candle and uttering, "Another banner year…" But hey, that's just me. When Blondie Bitch wakes up, she's in her car in a theme park which I think – and don't hold me to this – is supposed to be the same one that she and Neal broke into in 3.22? It doesn't look the same, for it's daytime here and there's no spinny-round-ride-thingy in the background, but it's symbolic enough of their relationship and so, again, I'll take it. "Holy crap, does this mean I get backstory?" No. No it does not. Although at first I thought this may have been a flashback, turns out it's a fever dream as a side effect of the trip to the Underworld. Shame, but also cute, because next we know Neal pops up with a smile on his face and a really ugly hat adorning his head. As a side note, did y'all notice that Emma produced a hat while down in the Underworld? It just randomly appears on her head later on in the episode, lol. I'm gonna assume it's a gift from Neal. Zoey from HIMYM was once famed for her constant hat-wearing and, dammit, Emma's just trying to catch up! Although I'mma just say that Neal appeared so suddenly that I wouldn't be surprised if all the feminists watching at home didn't root for Emma to grab a can of pepper spray and shoot him up right in his dead eyes. "Hi, Emma." "Stawp rape culturing me, gawwwd!" But it was a cute recreation of the way they first met in 2.06. Emma goes on to ask of she's dreaming, and Neal denies it because if that were the case then he'd be like talking donuts or something weird like that. You see, that's funny, because Eddy and Adam really get humour in a way that's not really accessible to us lower beings. Cuteness is had, and Neal asks how their son is. In my opinion, the fact that he needs to ask this question proves that he quite clearly has unfinished business – when he died, his son didn't even know who he was, and it's not like he ever got to know him when his memories were in tact – but a few seconds later he blatantly states that he has none. "Hey, how's Emory?" "You mean Henry?" "Who cares? He was an accident." There's also some bullshit about how Emma totally would have saved Neal if she knew that was an option, but… now she does know that that's an option, and she never mentioned wanting to save anyone other than Hook. Sure, Neal's in Mount Olypmpus, but she doesn't know that until he tells her as such and, well, just moo. Graham would have been included in this little dream-non-dream opener too but, unfortunately, he was too expensive. "To be fair, they didn't actually ask." Aaaand onto the next scene (I did actually really like the opener, btw). Emma wakes up on the ferry after having passed out; from the outside I can't imagine this having been anything but hilarious, but her parents seem concerned enough – about her at least, for their baby's currently being dropped by fairies. Gold then announces that they've arrived, and I just now realized that Charon gets an appearance. Good for him. He's gonna be minor supporting soon. The title card was then all red, as I assume the rest will be, 4A-style, and then they got into the gritty stuff. Well, the sneak peek stuff, and so naturally I totally zoned out during this scene. Cruella appeared though… kinda. "What's black and white and gives no fucks?" Also in the battle of Wood vs. Concrete: Wood wins. Who'da thunk it? The next scene was another sneak peek, because fuck us I guess, but I hadn't seen it in a while so it wasn't quite as bad as it could have been. Still, whoever's in charge of that shit, you're on thin ice! Queen Joanna lol sorry habbit Regina greeted her subjects on her birthday, which of course meant she could use them to fulfil her wildest birthday fantasies. "Ok, I'm Emma, the pie is me." She even says that she prefers apple, which I've been told can be used as a metaphor for vagina, so, that. Some dumb slut was then dumb enough to interrupt Regina mid-orgasm and she was basically just not having it. After promptly disposing of him and his Scottish-Irish-Polish-Whateverthefuckthataccentwas ways, Snow, being the ratchet kink-shamer that she is, showed up with an entourage, and Regina was too pussy to face a chubby bandit, a gay prince and seven hairy midgets. "Lucky for you it's my birthday, and I'm feeling horny." Regina then retired to her sex dungeon but her dad was all, "Is this really how you want to spend today?!" because apparently a Queen can't finish cumming in these parts. There was then some stuff about how she takes after Cora, BDSM Queen of Thunder-Down-Underland, and Henry Sr. became the first character to start making some legit sense when it comes to the takeaway of 1.18 flashbacks – that Cora is the only person to blame, and not the child she was so shocked fell for the manipulations of a master manipulator. "No offense sweetheart but you're kinda retarded." "Ur meen.." Back in the Underworld, we had a close up of… were those black apples? They look like they could be dark red, but also black. Cute cos when Zelena took over in 5.11 she switched them out for green apples. Ah, Zelena… the only good character left. Except for Henry Sr. That hunni is en pointe. Anyway the gross blacktoothed (oooooh) villager reported back to Mayor Cora that Regina is in the Underworld, and then Cora was all like "How is my daughter?" which made it sound kinda like she was talking about a different person than the "she" he said was there which made the first act change kinda stilted and weird but meh, they tried. "We write words such good." Cora looked pretty cute as Mayor of Underbrooke, Joker smile and all. "So tell me… how is Batman?" Act 2 started with a shot of that broken clock tower, demonstrating once again that the physics of the Underworld gives less fucks than Cruella – or Adam and Eddy – and followed that up with, you guessed it, a sneak peek. The Blind Witch is sexi as hell but I kind of forgot she even appeared by the time I got to the end of the ep because I saw this like a week ago. Anywho, Snow entered Granny Fanny's Diner and asked Anya if she'd seen Hook. "U seen Hook? Dark hair, 6"2', green eyes, luscious lips?" "You know I'm blind right?" "Yeh tbh I'm just tryna kill time so we gotta leave without him." The Blind Witch recognized Snow by smell, and at first I thought she smelled the scent of her poisoned apple still on her in traces… alas, no. Snow White is just a famous face (smell?) that anyone would recognize anywhere and be excited about. Including Prince James, who just strolled right in and rape cultured his sister-in-law right in the mouth! Unlike Robin in 5.01 though, she didn't pull back. *Finally, a straight version of Charming…* When the make-out sesh finally did end though, she was disappointed to learn that, no, the fires of Hell had not cured her husband's homosexuality, and she was in fact being poked in the leg by the boner of an imposter!!!! James doesn't take a moment to consider that Snow might just be dead with unfinished business like himself, and jumps straight to the conclusion that that brother he never knew he had and for some reason now hates with a fiery passion is somewhere in town too. "You know Dave totally sucks, right?" "Boy, do I. Been tryna get the taste of Arthur outta his mouth for weeks." He also knew that David as a sheriff because of the semantics currently at play and then he was gone, as YOLOy as he arrived, and Charming himself entered the scene, because OUaT just does not have the technology yet to have two of the same actor in the same frame. Lol, Snow even took notice of the fact that James had "changed clothes" and still kissed him. Who's live is true love anyway? Not theirs, that's for sure. And then their daughter barged in along with Mr. Gold who was just so sick and tired of doing this the slow way. He suggested getting something from his shop that might help, and then Henry appeared from the same door that James went through when he left the scene. It wouldn't surprise me if Henry had been making out with him too, tbh. "I think I'm gonna like having a Great Uncle…" But nah he was checking on Neal's room to see if her was there. Apparently it didn't occur to Emma to just explain how she knew Neal was in a better place, cos it's not like it'd damage him or anything to hear it, but hey, I guess she only really has her parents to look up to as role models when it comes to actually being a parent and their baby rn is prolly sucking on any tit that comes his way (seriously tho he needs his mother's milk to function). As Henry's jaw recovered, Sean Maguire was just living it the fuck up, excited that his character got two whole lines to squeeze into this episode! Regina made some comments about how maybe the Dark Curse (which may have been created by Hades?) was based on Storybrooke, but we already know that that's not the case 'cause Zelena spoilers, so basically Robin's two whole lines were entirely pointless and anti-fruitful. "When am I gonna get paid?" "God I can't wait 'til you're killed off." Regina was then launched into flashback by that stalk-y villager – who she did not pepper spray – and we see the Evil Queen doing a "She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not" about Snow White, slaughtering a black rose as she lists off all the things she despises about the fair princess. This was actually pretty cute and I liked the insults she fired in the direction of the dwarfs— "In my head this rose is Michael Coleman." —and then her daddy entered (her), and she quickly left the room cos she was naht in the mood to put up with all of his bullshit. He wasn't there to see her though – he was there to see Guest Star Giancarlo Eposito, who hasn't been too busy with his life since Revolution was cancelled. "I dress up in a green jumpsuit and all they have me saying is two inconsistent lines. Kk." Really he was just a platform to introduce Guest Star Barbara Hershey to the flashback tale, and we got to see her in her full Queen of Hearts attire for the first time since the beloved spin-off was on the air. Her and hubby-dearest had a lil spat regarding child-rearing and then Cora was able to fuck on over to the Enchanted Forest because of the magical penguin soup she often keeps handy in her left buttcheek (yh ik it was cos Henry was messing with magic he didn't understand, but still came across as pretty yolo). "#I WANT TO BREAK FREE!" When the flashback died, Regina and Cora had their cutie reunion in the present, and the latter told her daughter to get the fuck out of dodge or else she'll toss her daddy into a fiery inferno. Regina didn't care that some random had been condemned to the same fate, but why should she? She's the Evil Qu— Oh wait. "I'm gonna keep killing ur old victims on the hour every hour til u go." "What's black and Latina and gives no fucks?" At the start of Act 3, Gold headed into the Underworld version of his shop, and Chip gave him flashes of telling Belle that he was taking a daytrip to Hell. "I only agreed to appear cos they said I was gonna get backstory." And she did. Excuse me while I go throw up. After giving Chip a fondle, Rumple noticed that blasted straw doll from 3A and walked right past the renowned Donna and Stephen in order to quickly get something from his safe. Enter Peter Pan, who uses the word "dad" more times than James and Charming used the word "brother" in the earlier scene. He had all this shit about how he wanted to trade places with one of Rumple's lil fwendz so he could return to the land of the living, and also talked some about his last words, just like Cora. Nice to know that the writers even remember what these characters' last words were, but it also felt repetitive, so that. Seeing Robbie Kay in a suit was hot tho, and apparently he "sired" Rumple. So Rumple's a vampire. Cool to know. "Help me take down the Slayer and you're free to go." "Oh gee I better go warn the gang." Rumple managed to get the Ale of Shithead tho and we were taken over to a meeting at Granny's Diner where all the Underworld peeps had cleared out to give the heroes room to discuss and shit. How nice of them. Regina was right in the middle of saying how Cora was threatening to send her papa to the flaming pits of Hell that no one ever ever ever comes back from when Mary Margaret couldn't help but pipe up. "Any chance she could throw my baby down there too?" Robin would have asked the same but unfortunately the shot never quite landed on him so aw well and the conclusion of the scene was that Gold's magic ale could summon Hook at his grave and they could find him and leave with him before the boat Cora's arranged has time to leave even. Robin had a third arbitrary line, probably ad-libbed by Sean, and no one was sketchy of the fact that this new plan seemed just a scoche too simple. "Y'all know we're down here for at least 9 eps rite?" Yeah I didn't think it was quite time to clear the red smoke machines from the Storybrooke set, but still they hightailed it off to the graveyard to go summon Hook's ghost or whatever. Before that, however, we had a cute little flashback of Snow aiming her bow and arrow at Henry Sr. before getting her heart ripped tf out by what turned out to be Cora in disguise. "Did u reli think I'd be able to appear w/o pullin this shit @ least once?" She then told Snow to forget all that had just happened, but I'm sure in a future ep we'll see the fallout and confrontation between these two characters regarding such an issue. Oh wait that's Belle and Regina which we never got. LoLOolol aw well. Belle's already had her obligatory appearance in the 100th so now we can forget she exists until her centric. Finally getting to the graveyard, the episode's main pic was put into practice and the Ghost Juice was poured over Killian's resting place. However, only a bruised, battered, burned (, beautiful) version of Hook appeared, entirely unaware, and Emma was distraught. "They have Nicole Arbour down here. I made the mistake of dating her." Then Emma was all OMG HE DOESN'T KNOW WE'RE HERE HE DOESN'T KNOW WE'RE COMING TO RESCUE HIM HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE!!! The emboldened part is entirely legit and irked me in a way I'm sure none of you will understand, but yeah I actually wanted to slap her right then, as though this whole arc is just her trying to prove what a good girlfriend she is. ^^ God Emma Swan has gone down the drain as a character. I really want her to get killed off for fun. There was also an act change somewhere in there, FYI, and Mary Margaret cutely vowed to stay behind with Emma for as long as it takes to find Hook because HOLY SHIT does she not wanna get home to that fuckin' baby. "I'm scared I'm gonna smother him in his crib like I did your twin." MM has issues guys, and I for one can't wait until they get to Snow White's big post-partum arc. Of course they probably won't get to that, they'll be too busy covering Zootopia in 6a and Planes 3 in 6b, and so for now I'll make do with these subtle indicators that this woman is just not okay with being a mom. Many were distracted from her plight, however, for we were launched into another flashback where Regina was throwing shade at some jester fool who she fast did away with. "Make a fuckin wish, ya' bitch." "I wish for Zelena to appear in this episode." Waste of a wish. I'd say she shoulda wished for the future of this show to be as good as its origins but… yeh that ain't gonna happen either. No wonder she killed him in a rage. His death seemed very dramatic with the music and whatnot that accompanied it but really Regina just wanted to wrap this party up cos tbh it was lame af. "It's my party and you'll die if I want to." That didn't make a lot of sense but you got it right? Anyway, Cora soon decided to gatecrash and presented Regina with the gift she'd long awaited for – Snow White's heart in a chest (hehe, get it?). "I went thru a lot of trouble to get this so if u beak it ur not getting new one." Regina couldn't help herself though; she got the Magic Mirror set up to spy on Snow's drunken adventures with the dwarfs – which could totally be a porno spinoff – and started squeezing that thing like it was a stress ball and she was having a conversation with Emily Sinclair. All seemed to be going well as Snow stood up in pain, and Regina was excited to take the final plunge and kill her archenemy at long last… and then a winged green turd in a tophat and coat fell from her bra and it was hysterics all around. That and… confusion, cos, why in all the world of fucking fuck was Jiminy Cricket hanging out in Snow White's blouse? With a match, of all things… "Man them was some nice titties." "WTF?!" Even the insects think Snow is the fairest of them all, and once again we actually saw a heart reduced to a dust and a Black Knight keeled over. Apparently he felt no pain when Regina was doing all that squeezing but who cares because OMG how funny was it when Jiminy fell out of her blouse OMG lolol rite? Like I said, us lower beings aren't inclined to understand the many nuances of A&E's sophisticated humour, and we all soon learned that that bae Henry Sr. had switched Snow's heart with a random's. He didn't seem to care that he caused the death of this random, and yet he still goes to Heaven at the end of the ep. I don't really care myself, but yeah. Cute that Regina owns all her Black Knights' hearts, as a side-note. To punish daddy, she trapped him in the chest that was meant for Snow's heart, shrinking him without the aid of magic mushrooms because apparently she can do that. Speaking of… "Holy fuck am I tripping rn?" This was some nice set-up for 1.17 that I'm sure went right over Lily's head along with the Ale of Sinead from 5.09, and it was pretty fuqen fapulous to learn that Regina was the whole who initially trapped her father. In the present, she visits his grave and uses the ale to summon him, and he tells her not to give in to Cora's threat and to continue saving her "friend". "I think you mean love rival, but alright." He gave her forgiveness for what she did to him, and I actually quite liked all the Regina redemption stuff involved in this episode. It was handled in such a way that I didn't wanna pull a Rose and jam a fucking knife into my throat like usual, and that's really saying something tbh cos I'd prepared the very knife with which I was going to kill myself right before I hit the "play" button and it didn't even taste any blood or anything. He ended up telling her that if she does the right thing then he'll truly not have died in vain, but we all know he did reli cos like yeh both the other Dark Curse castings have had major loopholes to avoid killing off anyone relevant. "That's racist." Cram it, Manny. In the final flashback, Regina had Sidney grow a giant pair of hands and physically drag Cora back through the looking glass… but not before she got her hands on Henry. If he could see what was going on he'd have confirmed that he defo was tripping. But Cora was soon gone with him in tow, to Regina's dismay. "Villains ruleeeeeeeeee!" And she was left with no one for company but her Magic Mirror. *I'm so gonna spy on her changing l8r.* Henry was next seen standing over the bridge to Hell with Cora about to push him over, but Regina – and the other, younger, less-improved Henry – wasn't about to let that happen. There was a whole big debate between the two Queens where the dialogue actually wasn't total vomit in word-form. Still though, Cora threw her husband to the flames and fled the scene… but wait. Henry Sr. ain't no bad guy. The flames had no effect on him. In fact, a bridge formed and Heaven itself opened the fuck up, and the two Henrys were finally able to meet one another in a scene that I actually teared up at. "And to think, we spent the 100th episode answering an unanswered question about you?" "What even is 'taking back the kingdom', amirite?" After this heavy-handed Heaven scene, the final act began and we were suddenly reminded that Robin Hood is a character that exists. "When's my next centric?" "About that…" When Regina shares the news that Henry Sr. was saved, everyone realizes that that means everyone in the Underworld can be saved, though I don't get why they'd waste their time saving everyone when it seems – despite what Adam was tried so hard to drill into our brains – it really is just a place for evil people. I mean, Neal clearly had unfinished business, and he's in heaven. The Blind Witch, meanwhile, has fuck all to do, and she's stuck there. The only characters they're really bothering to bring back are villains. I think even Stealthy might be in Mount Olympus. Makes one wondered why they even really bothered with the distinction. Sigh. Aw well. Clearly Gold thinks the same way as me cos he basically told them to fuck off with their goals (I wonder if every episode is about sending someone up to Heaven?) and stormed off in a strop. But not before Belle was mentioned. "This time last night I was balls deep in an Aussie hottie." "If you leave now, I will gut her." I mean, that's basically how everyone is treating Belle in this arc, right? Emma also uses the phrase "return to Dark One-ness" which sounded disgusting af. Gold left anyway though and Henry decided to call their new mission "Operation Firebird" because he just wouldn't have been able to stand Rena's gloating if he'd gone with "Phoenix" which sounds just waaaaaay better. Emma then made some joke about a make and car and OMG writers just accept that you don't know how to tell jokes and stop even trying with them. "We wrote 5.11, didn't we? And that was a big joke." Good point. Good. Fucking. Point. This scene ended cutely with the clock ticking, as Henry Sr.'s soul was carried all the way up to Mount Olympus, because Greek mythology afterlives are canon in the world of OUaT. :) Oh but then Cora fucked her way on down to the library in an elevator that looked like far too much fun for her to have been frowning the entire way down. This thing moves faster than Rumple's character regression. The final 5 minutes were then taken up by the new Big Bad, Hades. The first male Big Bad we've had since S3A, which, cute. Hopefully he's a good one, and he seems pretty cool from what we've seen. I loved Cora's punishment, being turned into a miller's daughter, and also that his lair is the under-library caves. :3 I always wanted that for Dark One Belle reli. Lol, rmmbr when Belle used to be my fave character? Crazy days. Zelena though. She got a whole cutie mention right before Cora was zapped back to her Rose McGowan days. "Is this off the rack?" And then Hades stood up and set his hair on fire, just to make clear who he was and that, yes, they are stealing the Disney version. Ofc he looks more like a stove burner, as Bae has pointed out many times before. "You know I'm evil cos I'm gas and not electric." Also, he had colorful rivers of random shit all around him. Didn't know what they were all about but hey they looked cool enough. Pretty much my reaction to the entire of this episode. So… this was the 101st 100th…. it was, uh, pretty good I guess. Cool. :) "This show crushed my soul." I know. I'm sorry. :( Category:Blog posts